Day 1: New

Day 1: New

I was kindly invited to take part in a Blog Activity.
Step 1, give Dani a topic.
Step 2, Dani writes on said topic.
Step 3, Dani posts writings on said topic for others to read, with little to no regard for the reputation of those setting the blog topics.

Sounds easy enough!

Right! So the first topic for Day 1 of 31, is "New". This is fitting, and very, as we say, "appropo". But I ran in to a glitch right from the start.
I couldn't think of anything to write that had to do with anything New!
My first day on the job, and I already have writer's block! Gahhh.

So I put my head to the grindstone for a very literal quick second and thought, hmmmm. Well, the word "new" kinda sounds like the word "nude", so I will just write about Nude things and hope no one notices.


Topic 1- Nude

Let me ask you a question. What does it mean to be Nude?

This goes way beyond the best feeling in the world, which of course is being able to walk around your own house all alone in the buff. I dont know of a single person that doesn't love that feeling.
I am actually talking about real nudity. Clothing-free, skin to air, nothing to see here but the Birthday Suit kind of nude.  Baring it all for the world to see.

I have actual real-time experience with this.
I used to be a fine art model. It was one of my many employs back before I was wielding sharp objects around pets and other veterinary staff members.  In case you aren't familiar with what it takes to BE a fine art model, I will tell you, it takes NO special looks or talent.  You should see some of the people I have had the umm... opportunity to draw when I was in college. Trust me. It certainly doesn't take looks.
It does, however, in most cases, require nudity.  Now, let me also say that as far as part-time work goes, fine art modeling has a pretty good bang for its buck.  All I had to do was... sit there! In front of art students, who, as I knew from personal experience as an art student, always have the cleanest of minds and best of intentions.  I knew that I would be nude in front of like-minded individuals, who, regardless of sex or sexual preference, only would be viewing me as a still life, like a salad boat full of pears or something of the like.  (On second thought, definitely pears.)
With this notion in mind, I take the first job offered, a figure drawing class at UW Milwaukee.

As I enter my first classroom wearing a robe, my worst fears are most definitely confirmed... there is a person that I know, a coworker from my other job, that is in this art class.  I mean, I wasn't actually thinking, this is my worst fear confirmed, but it wasn't far from the top of the list, either.  Not only do I have to stand naked in front of a room full of people, I now have to stand naked in front of a room full of people that I knew.

I had 2 rapid successive thoughts.
1- I cant f#%&ing believe I am about to do this.
2- (while waving and smiling at my coworker awkwardly) I guess there is only one thing to do.

So, I disrobed.

That's right. I buckled down and did the deed I was paid to do, and as I sat there in that classroom with the sound of scritching pencils around me and my left butt cheek soundly sleeping, I realized something.
What else do I have left to hide?

As it so happens, I figured out since the many years that have passed after my first time sitting naked in front of a crowd, I don't have many things to hide, but yet I still find ways to hide from the world. Am I confident enough to show who I really am to those around me? Can I take that step and disrobe just a small, hidden part of myself and be proud of being just... who I am?

The same year I became a part time fine art model I was diagnosed with a mental illness called bipolar disorder. Having a diagnosed mental illness meant weekly cognitive therapy and daily medications, which meant I needed a part time job that fit with my schedule. Some people wait tables or sell books... I modeled in the flesh for the sake of art (Lord help us all). Through that experience and the years to follow, I discovered the meaning of dignity (if not modesty), the quietude of meditative thought (though I still lack any discipline for prolonged concentration), and what it takes to stand exposed for others to see, despite my perceived flaws and fears of not being appreciated or accepted by my peers.

Someone asked me recently, if I could give 2 words of advice to my past self, what would they be?
My response was simply, Thank You.  Thank you for choosing to be Nude in that moment. Past self, you taught me with that simple action how to be a better me in the present and the future. You taught me that, even though you want to awkwardly wave and smile difficult situations away, sometimes it's better to live without fear and just... disrobe and be nude for a little while. Just like running around the house alone in the buff, to live a life without fear truly is the best feeling in the world.

It turns out my past self has some words of advice, too.  Next time you become intimidated with something New, just try going Nude instead.


♥ Dani



** This blog is dedicated to the fine people in the Bipolar Disorder Support Group (by coincidence, one of the hallmark symptoms of BP is a lack of inhibition, and in some people will present itself as a strong desire to stand naked in front of large crowds.)